And another month goes by....

I smiled when I noticed that its been one month exactly since I've posted here last. Must have been my unconscious intuition nudging me to get back to the "work"!

I work in HR for a large company going through a merger, so the last few weeks has been really super crazy, and the craziness will likely continue for the foreseeable future. However, its a pretty realistic reminder that life will never STOP to let me focus on the work I want to do personally, and I NEED to be able to make time for that as well.

Lately, I've really been feeling a yearning to find the "meaning" in life....sounds so cliche'. I've really resonated with Brene' Brown's passage from her upcoming book, Wholehearted, which focuses on the midlife journey: http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2009/8/12/the-midlife-journey-an-excerpt-from-wholehearted.html?lastPage=true#comment6243718

The passage talks about finally removing all of the protective mechanisms that we've learned to employ and to shed them in order to discover the "real" you. This sentence could/should probably be my motto:

The time has come to let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are.

This is a simple sentence, with really powerful meaning to me. Seems like a very good place to base myself in my journey. Lord knows I will need help with the "embracing who you are" part....in fact I'm not even really sure where to start. I feel like a force of potential without a direction....I want to embrace and find meaning in who I am, but I have NO idea how to get there!

Any ideas? :-)

One thing I am doing more, is sharing some of these feelings with close friends. Doesn't seem like I'm alone on this journey, but feels like we need a Shepherd of sorts, or something.

ITIWJM Chapter 2 podcast and Thoughts

First, some thoughts that resonated with me. "Shame needs secrecy and silence to grow in a petri dish - empathy is a deal killer for shame". Yeah, I can totally relate to being silent and secretive about what I am ashamed of. I've always been slightly overweight, sometimes more than others :-), but I vividly recall one summer during college where I went on Nutrisystem and lost 20 lbs or so. When I came back to school, I remember all the positive reinforcement from friends, but more striking to me was that several of my friends said things to me like "I never even knew that you had issues with your weight". Seems I did such a good job of keeping my shame bottled up. Little did they know of the personal hell I was putting, and STILL put, myself through on a daily basis. The lesson I SHOULD have learned, way back when, from this, was that I was the only person paying attention to my weight, no one cared as much as I did.

"Stop alternating and start integrating". This is a very important concept and mantra to Brene' Brown (www.ordinarycourage.com) which has helped her through difficult times in her life. A few months ago, when I first found her site, I remember reading this and her post on facebook (http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2009/2/11/brenes-home-for-wayward-girls.html) I couldn't believe what I was reading! This was exactly the situation and reactions I was having. As if I've been "found" and somehow will revert back to the feelings (of not being good enough) that I had back in high school. Add to this that my 20th reunion is next month....I plan to do a separate post on the above link as I think I really NEED to work through it!

Stop trying to be what i think everyone wants me to be, and just be me, all in one. This is really powerful for me, and also really difficult. It seems I'm always monitoring a situation to figure out what the "right" response, approach. I'm also very ingrained in "SELFISHNESS". I feel very sensitive to "will people think I am selfish?". Its so intertwined for me, I feel like if I take care of myself and my own needs, I'll be labelled as selfish....which is shameful for me, so instead I take care of others needs before mine. This of course puts me in the predicament of NOT meeting my own needs and not living AUTHENTICALLY. But as I embark on doing this work, the obstacle of Selfishness is right there presenting itself, warning me that it will NOT be acceptable to my family and friends if all of a sudden I start attending to my OWN needs. And, so the vicious cycle continues.

***Wow, the last paragraph feels very important to me, and I KNOW one that I will come back to and continue to explore. For now, I am glad I got it out there, will re-read and think on it!

Brene' also talks a good deal about Empathy and Compassion and Spirituality. This is a hard topic for me. I've never really connected to feeling of religion and spirituality. Brene' does a great job of drawing the distinction between the 2, with spirituality meaning more of a feeling that we are all connected in a higher way. This is a prerequisite for compassion vs. empathy is a skill that can be learned. I have a really hard time with "higher powers" or even "powers greater than ourselves". I have always felt that I alone am responsible for my own life, that there is no higher power which can influence things or my life. Part of this is my analytical, I have to touch, see, feel it in order for it to be real bent. I do believe I am empathic and possess this skill, but I am not sure how far I will get with being truly compassionate based on my spiritual, or lack of spiritual feelings. More to come.

So, back to the read along and this weeks, Shame.Less assignments, oops I mean invitations! Mix Tapes and Beautiful You. The creative one totally throws me for a loop, perfectionists (or at least for me) are not good artists - I need much more structure so I can know if I am "right" or "did a good job" :-) I do love the project and will need to decide if I can make time to do it now. Music is something that used to be so much more meaningful to me than it is currently. I am feeling my anxiety grow thinking of songs to list as I am nervous they will not be the "right" ones or the "best" examples that I have. I feel good about the introspective thoughts I've had today so I am going to give myself permission to postpone these assignments, for now.

PS: Does this badge work?

ITIWJM Podcast 2 "Homework"

Just listened to podcast 2 (still chapter 1) for Brene' Brown's book. I love this format. Its like sitting around with a friend talking....there are so many times though that I want to laugh with Brene' or shake my head and for her to be able to see how well people connect to her comments. Its kinda weird to write this blog hoping that I am not just talking to myself, but realizing that I probably AM!!

In the spirit of following along with the read along, here's the 'assignment' from the podcast. I LOVE these assignments, as its so easy to just READ a book, but to apply it, personalize it, well that's a whole different ball game!

Tell us about one of your superpowers and tell us about the kryptonite related to the superpower! And, no comment is complete without this: what would your outfit look like? or your cape? or your superheromobile?

This is hard. Like several other, who played along in April and commented on the blog, this is hard for me to do, mainly because my perfectionistic mind keeps wondering what the "best" thing to write would be - will I write the correct response and of course "what will others think". I really connect to the fear of doing this work and to letting go of some control and being able to see the "dark" stuff.

Anyway, enough avoiding the assignment. My superpower I would say would be being a wonderful caretaker for others. Not so much in the nursing vein, but more of being a "do-er" getting things done for others, helping people figure out how to approach a situation, knowing the steps they need to get there and just the discipline and follow through to help people get things done. I'm seen as an overachiever in the family, the "smart" one and the one who everyone goes to to get things done.

The kryptonite here is pretty significant. I spend way too much time attending to the needs of ofthers, and very little time attending to my own. Between you and me, I'm not even really aware of my own needs. Sometimes, even small routine tasks, like depositing a check, mailing a thank you card, etc. get lost or severely delayed as I'm more consumed with keeping everyone else's life in order. The other kryptonite is how my superpower impacts others - my poor husband has sadly been pretty much trained that he can't do anything right and to just let me do it. Ouch, that is sad for both of us. I am a control freak, he allows this which in turn makes him feel incompetent.

I'm not so hot on style, but I guess my superhero outlet would likely include sleek black leather, and a hot sports car - Acura NSX maybe?

A few more thoughts from the podcast that really resonated with me; relationships that are "i take care of you because you can't take care of yourself", and how doing this work requires you to be able to be uncomfortable while working through it. Good stuff.

A little late to the party - Read along for ITIWJM - Questions from Podcast 1

Ok, so I am late to the party, but as I read the book, I am going to do my own version of the read along. What a great idea, here's the full link http://www.ordinarycourage.com/itiwjm-read-along/

I just listened to the chapter 1 podcast and here are the questions:

1. What scares you about this journey? Wow. Certainly not one that usually admits to being scared. I think I am most scared of paying any attention to those shaming messages - I'm scared of what I'll find out about myself. So much of my time is dedicated to monitoring how others may be perceiving me that I am a little scared to see who I am really am. What if I am not a good person deep down.


2. What scares you about staying where you are? The feeling of never having finding "meaning" in life. As I get older (just turned 38) I feel more connected to wanting to live an authentic life and have authentic experiences. I'm afraid that if I keep going at my current speed, I may miss out as I'm too busy being "perfect" in other areas to focus on myself.

3. What makes you hopeful about the journey? what would you love to find? I know I am capable of this kind of work and am excited to connect to passion and meaning and purpose. I'd love to find something I am passionate about and to feel that warm feeling in the belly knowing that I am doing good things.

A not so funny related thought here - at a Dr. appointment recently (routine physical), he asked me what my hobbies were. I stared at him blankly, and almost started to cry - hobbies? I had no answer to him except petting my dogs. THis is an area I would like to improve! I spend so much time caretaking others that I have neglected myself.

Definitions

From Brene' Brown:
http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2009/3/18/perfectionism-and-claiming-shame.html

"Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: “If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Perfectionism is defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.

Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough so rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.

Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: 'It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.'

To overcome perfectionism we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self-compassion.

When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections. It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts and strengthen our most meaningful connections." B. Brown (2009).

Posting this to be able to refer back to and remember. Reading Brene's book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power

Off to a great start, huh?

Wow, the first day I published this blog (yes, about a month and a half ago!) I remember that I was so excited and felt like I wanted to just write all day. I told myself to be patient and not do too much at once...now I wish I would have let myself go.

This is harder than I thought. My sense is that I have used the 'mask' of perfectionism WAY too long as a coping mechanism, for so long that to me, it feels like this IS my authentic self. When I am honest with myself, I am pretty sure that this is just a defense mechanism. Which leads me to realize that consciously or not, I am avoiding this work of finding authenticity. THIS is what I want to try to work on and work out. At some level, it almost feels as if I am somehow scared of finding my "real" self. What if I am not good enough, what if I don't like myself? What if I am not as good of a person as everyone thinks I am? What if my motives are self serving? Yeah, I guess I could see why this isn't coming quite as easily as I would have thought/hoped.

Even though I have agreed to not make this a weight blog, I will say that I am really struggling these days with self acceptance. I have been working with a counselor now for about 6 months on this topic. I have made some progress I think, in being able to see that the whole me represents more than simply my physical appearance. And that I have a lot of positive qualities and am successful in many areas of my life. However, I am really struggling with accepting myself where I am now weightwise. I just feel uncomfortable in my skin. I feel like simple things like wearing shorts or having friends over produces such self hate talk and anxiety over what to wear, how I look, etc. It is really destructive, and takes away from me being authentic. As my counselor says, its time to start figuring out how to put some of these thoughts into motion (pun intended). I've talked about being more physically active and employing moderation in my diet and lifestyle, but at this point talk is about all I've done. I wonder what fears I have (subconsciously?) that are keeping me from making these positive changes?

Beginnings

Wow. How to begin? Where to start? The perfectionist in me gets overwhelmed thinking about how to position this blog, how to provide appropriate background, how to describe where I am now, why I decided to write now. HOWEVER, in being true to the spirit of this blog, my first principle of this blog will be to:

Allow a stream of consciousness, there is no right or wrong here.

Ahh, ok, that's better. So, this "work" will be a result of a desire to write, to explore, to find greater meaning. I have learned that I enjoy writing, can be quite good at it, and I believe that writing is a good vehicle for self discovery and for working out some of themes that have been circulating around my psyche for the last...37....years.

This is not the first time that I have taken to a blog to write, however it IS the first time I have done so with a broader focus, and what I think will be a valuable and rewarding focus. See, previous blogging has always been about losing weight.

There, I said it. I have spent WAY too many years being consumed by weight and weight issues, and desire now to see the world through a much broader lens. I'd like to begin to see myself as a WHOLE person, not just for whatever weight I am or where I happen to be on the weight loss/weight gain rollercoaster that I have been on for at least 10 years.

This writing will be a culmination of factors which have influenced me, both in the short term and long term. Deep down, I know there is a longing to find greater meaning, feel greater feelings, live more authentically and BE MORE. So, welcome to my journey of self discovery and towards an AUTHENTICALLY IMPERFECT life!